Even if you want your daughter to have a father, you don't want it to be this guy

Both you and your daughter deserve better. If he makes you feel badly and lies to you, how can you think he will treat your d on [34 favorites]

It's unclear to me how emotionally involved with him you are, but if you are in any kind of romantic relationship, you should absolutely end it

If you have the opportunity to cut him out, cut him out. This could get complicated legally/&c. (I don't know the custody laws and so on) so I'll leave the details to others, but no, do not do NOT feel guilty. As a daughter with a piece of shit step-dad, two of my greatest sources of pain are 1) knowing what an fucking asshole he was to my mother and 2) watching my mother be crushed under his abusive, manipulative bullshit. Fuck him. This is not a grey area, he's a piece of shit. And you bounce back by getting him out of your life as much as possible and coming to realize his shitty behavior has nothing to do with who you are as a person.

You seem like right now you can't imagine having any kind of co-parenting relationship with your ex that doesn't include your being in a sexual relationship with him and being exploited financially by him

This is NOT your fault, and you should not feel stupid. You were a good person who gave him the benefit of the doubt, he is a terrible person who takes advantage of people emotionally and financially and makes them feel crazy and stupid so he can get what he wants. You should most definitely tell your therapist about this-- you absolutely don't come off poorly, he absolutely does. He/she will be able to help. posted by stoneandstar at 7:12 hopp over til disse karene PM on [12 favorites]

Please tell your therapist everything you've told us. The therapist will not judge you; they've almost certainly worked with other clients who have similarly misjudged their partners' integrity.

I am so sorry you're in this difficult situation. My suggestion would be that you work with your therapist first to establish your own boundaries with your ex, then to decide how much contact you are comfortable in him having with your daughter. (You didn't mention any legal agreements about visitation, so presumably that's something you and he can resolve informally?)

You know how they say on the airplane that you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, then help your child? Same goes here. But that's your depression and shattered self-esteem talking. You aren't going to be in a position to make a good decision about your daughter's relationship with her father until you're 100% solid on not being taken advantage of by him ever again.

Sorry for the triple post, but if I can take the selfish daughter perspective for a moment, staying with him is doing her a disservice. She wants a happy, full you, not a drained, abused, crushed version of you, should she get the choice. As much as I love my mother no matter what, watching her change to fit the mold my step-dad wanted her in was almost like actually losing her altogether. I know you want to be your happy, life-loving self for your daughter's sake.

I'm not saying to feel guilty about what he's done to you-- I believe that people are elastic, and getting him out of your life is a major first step in being the person you were before him. Don't give it a second thought, don't second-guess yourself, just get him out and you'll come back in. posted by stoneandstar at 7:18 PM on [5 favorites]